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I can hardly wait. In a lengthy interview with the Washington Examiner, Donald Trump stated that he wanted to “read a transcript” of his call with Ukraine President Volodymyr Zelensky, because “people have to hear it. When you read it, it’s a straight call.” Better yet, he wants to do it as a fireside chat on live television.

Hurrah! This will undoubtedly completely exonerate Trump, who faces an impeachment investigation for withholding aid to Ukraine in exchange for Ukraine launching an investigation into a discredited conspiracy theory. If that sounds confusing, image how President Zelensky felt.

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But wait! What if things don’t work out as planned? What could possibly go wrong in this scenario? Let’s see.

1. Trump can’t read. In order to even attempt to use a teleprompter, Trump has to be doped to the gills. on Adderall. Could be a problem!

2. It’s not a transcript. The document released was a memorandum of a telephone conversation, based on memories and edited by staff. It’s not real!

3. There’s quid pro quo. The memorandum states that Trump said,” I would like you to do us a favor, though ...” and goes on to ask the bewildered Zelensky about servers, Crowdstrike, and some other nonsense, concluding with “It’s very important that you do it if that’s possible.” Tough to claim no “quid pro quo” when it’s explicitly outlined! Better fall back on point 2.

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4. Trump implicates Rudy Guiliani and Bill Barr. “I will ask him [Giuliani] to call you along with the Attorney General.” What would a criminal conspiracy be without conspirators? No fun, that’s for sure!

Alas, this masterful performance will doubtless never take place. While I doubt Trump actually listens to any of his advisers, who would probably be horrified at the thought of this debacle, Trump also can’t remember anything he said more than 6 hours ago. So don’t clear your calendar just yet.
 

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